72 Think Before You Ask: Fertility & Family

In this holiday-themed episode of Cycle Wisdom, Dr. Monica Minjeur shares insights on navigating sensitive conversations about fertility, miscarriages, and family size. She highlights common, often well-meaning comments that can unintentionally hurt others, especially those on unique fertility journeys. Dr. Monica provides empathetic alternatives and strategies for creating supportive, respectful dialogue during gatherings. Tune in to learn how to be a source of love and understanding while respecting everyone’s personal path.

Transcript

Monica: 0:01

Welcome back to Cycle Wisdom, where we empower women to restore natural menstrual cycles to improve health and promote fertility. I'm your host, Dr. Monica Minjeur, and I'm so glad you're listening today. On today's episode, we're going to revisit a conversation from a past episode I like to share at the holidays. I'm going to talk about the importance of being sensitive and tactful when discussing topics like fertility, miscarriages, and even family size when you're around family and friends. Now, as a background to this conversation, please remember that estimates are that one in six couples is dealing with infertility, and up to 30 percent of pregnancies can end in miscarriage. You never know when the person you are talking to may be one of those individuals, and it's never good to assume. When we're all around each other at the holidays, it's natural to be curious about each other's lives. But here's the deal. Some topics can be very touchy like fertility or growing your family size, having more kids or deciding when you're done. You might think it seems harmless to ask questions or make comments about someone's baby making plans, but this may trigger a real emotional rollercoaster for the person on the other side of the conversation. You never know what someone might be going through in regards to their fertility journey, and your words can have a significant impact on their emotional well being. This applies both to people that already have children, as well as to those who do not yet have children, or maybe choose never to do so. Remember, everyone's journey is unique, and there are countless reasons why someone may choose to delay starting a family or decide to have more children. It's crucial to respect these choices. Even if they don't align with your own personal viewpoints, working towards providing a safe space where someone feels comfortable sharing with you if and when they're ready should always be the focus. Our love and support for each other should come first, and by doing that, we'll create stronger and more understanding relationships. Today, rather than sharing just one individual story of a past client, I'd like to share some examples of different comments I have heard from clients of mine over the years. These comments are a collection of many different women and couples that have shared with me how hurtful these statements have been along their journey. Now some of these people had been struggling with infertility, secondary infertility, or recurrent miscarriages. Some of them weren't sure if they were going to have more children, and some of them had large families and still wanted to grow them more. Now there are many different variations of these comments, and I would encourage you to have an open mind in hearing this list. for listening. Please realize that while some of these statements may seem harmless and like you're just trying to be curious about someone else's life, they may trigger a wave of emotions in someone and stop the conversation in its tracks, leaving the person on the other end wishing for a quick way to escape you. So number one is the first general theme of when are you gonna have kids or are you done having kids yet? What if this couple has been trying to get pregnant and have been unable to do so? Maybe they just had a miscarriage, or are dealing with other emotional or physical health concerns. Or maybe they just haven't decided yet if having kids or having more kids is the next right step. At any rate, forcing someone into this conversation can often require them to create an uncomfortable response or perhaps even create resentment for the person asking the question in the first place. Variation number two, and this is one of my least favorite questions. You know how baby making works, right? While trying to be funny or cute, this can actually project significant insensitivity to what can be a very complex situation. Getting pregnant or having a child is different for everyone. And while it may be very simple and straightforward for some people, others may navigate many challenges and require multiple different levels of medical intervention in order to grow their family size. Number three, any comment in regard to someone's age, such as you're not getting any younger, you know, or when I was your age, I already had three kids. First of all, these statements are not helpful since we're all getting older all the time and it's not a factor we can change. Also, women that are dealing with fertility concerns have a very keen awareness of their age and how that affects their reproductive health, as well as their chances for a healthy baby and a healthy pregnancy. One of the most common questions that clients ask me involves some discussion of their age, and whether or not they're too old to get pregnant. So I guarantee they're already thinking about this. Number four. Maybe you have children yourself, and perhaps they're a little bit exasperating at times. And so you say things like, You know, you're so lucky you don't have any kids. You can do whatever you want. Or, It must be nice to have so much free time and money that you aren't wasting on these ungrateful kids. I can guarantee you that if the people on the receiving end of those comments are wanting to have children, it's definitely one of the last things they need to hear. Most of them would love to have children at just about any cost of time or money. They don't necessarily want to be able to do whatever they want, whenever they want, and they're not looking at pregnancy as a burden of their free time. Statement number five. Well, maybe you're just not meant to be parents, or maybe God has other plans for you. Now, while some people may find this comforting within the context of a deeper conversation, everyone I have worked with who is dealing with infertility has already thought this at some point in time. Some of them have these thoughts early in their struggles with fertility, while others never give up hope of being a parent in some way. Either way, you never know where someone is along their path of seeking answers, and these statements may not be welcomed at their particular point in the journey. Statement number six. You know, stress can affect fertility. Have you just tried relaxing more? Every single person I have ever met knows that stress affects fertility. And for anybody out there who has tried to decrease their stress levels, there's not just a magic switch you can click off to eliminate your stress. We all know that. We all deal with physical and emotional stress in different ways. And I can guarantee you that family members or friends asking these kinds of questions does not lower someone's stress level. And number seven. Have you thought about adoption? Or, I know someone who adopted kids and then they get pregnant. It happens all the time when you quit trying. I can guarantee you that people going through the infertility process have most certainly at least considered adoption as a way to grow their family. They may have looked into it and discovered the reality that there can be an immense amount of time and money and heartache that can occur along the journey of adoption. While adoption is a beautiful thing, the process isn't for everybody. And assuming that's an easy answer to a complex situation is misguided. Additionally, telling somebody that they're going to get pregnant as soon as they adopt is definitely not scientifically proven. Now, most of these comments stem from a lack of awareness about the complexities that fertility can provide, as well as different life choices. Instead, I would recommend offering sensitivity and empathy when discussing such personal matters. What we do know is that the emotional well being of people that are going through infertility is already quite fragile. And being faced with these additional conversations, especially in the setting of an already increased stressful time around the holidays, can create another layer of emotions. Now, if you are someone who is on the receiving end of these comments, I would offer some suggestions for ways to respond that can range from deflecting with humor, choosing to be vulnerable or setting boundaries. Depending upon how you're feeling about the conversation, feel free to use any of these responses appropriately. First of all, I give you permission to just say, I'm not open to that conversation right now. Or I prefer not to talk about personal matters. This is not being rude. It's just being direct and setting a boundary that helps keep you from entering into a conversation that you aren't wanting to pursue. Practice saying this in the mirror until you can say it without feeling guilty about it. If you are open to being direct and maybe a bit more vulnerable, you could say, Actually, we're working on things right now, but it's been a challenging journey. Or, if they were insensitive about what they asked, you could say something along the lines of, You know, it's more complicated than you might think. But that insensitive question doesn't help our situation. If you prefer to bring a little humor to the situation, you could say something like, Well, I'm not sure what the universe has in store for us, but if I could borrow your crystal ball, I'll keep you posted. Or, Yes, I passed high school biology, I know how these things are supposed to work, and something's just not working well. If you are a family member or friend who thinks you must know the answers to these burning questions you have, I'd like to offer some alternative comments instead that support and encourage in a more open and empathetic tone. This could be something as simple as just not talking about it at all. There are millions of other topics of conversation that you could discuss instead. If someone has opened up to you a bit more in regards to their struggles with infertility, rather than trying to insert your own opinions or life stories, you could say, Your journey is unique and I respect and honor the path you're on. Or, I can't imagine how challenging this could be for you. I'm sending you positive thoughts or prayers during this time. Let me know if there's anything specific I can do to support you. And probably one of my favorite responses that you can share with people is, it's okay to not have all the answers right now, but I'm here to support you as you figure things out. Remember that everyone's journey is unique along this path to parenthood, or perhaps choosing not to be a parent. Trying to share comparison stories can be challenging and even unwelcome. And even if you're meaning well, The best plan of action may be to just remain open and nonjudgmental, being that safe place to be a listening ear. Try to meet people where they are, as far as their willingness or readiness to talk. There are some people who are very vocal about their fertility struggles, and there are others who don't discuss it at all, beyond their spouse and maybe their doctor. This doesn't mean that there's anything wrong one way or another. It's just that everybody processes things a little bit differently. Trying to be mindful of those differences and respect those differences can keep the good conversations going without creating animosity or awkwardness during the holidays, which can already carry a lot of added stress. So my mission for you today is to share this episode with your friends and family members as a way to help bring awareness to this important topic. Repost it on social media to help advocate for yourself and for others, even if it's not something that impacts you directly. Whether these conversations happen around the holiday time, or honestly, any time we are gathered with our loved ones, realize that everybody's journey is a little bit different, and certainly, If it's appropriate for the conversation, I would love for you to share my information with your family member or friend. And we can start from a place of working together to get some answers to any medical issues they may be experiencing. We offer free discovery calls that can be scheduled from our website, radiantclinic. com, to talk more about how we help navigate fertility concerns, recurrent miscarriages, and discussions about how to space out pregnancies. We are currently able to see people for in person appointments in the Cedar Rapids, Iowa area, or can arrange for a telehealth visit if you live in the states of Iowa, Illinois, Minnesota, and more states coming soon. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. Please share this podcast with someone in your life who would benefit from our services. Remember to subscribe to this podcast for more empowering content. I sincerely appreciate your support, and I look forward to sharing more with you on our next episode of Cycle Wisdom.