122. Infertility Support: How to Support a Loved One Struggling to Conceive

What if the most loving thing you could say to someone struggling with infertility wasn’t advice—but presence? In this episode of Cycle Wisdom, Dr. Monica Minjeur shares what truly helps and what unintentionally hurts when supporting a loved one through infertility or loss. You’ll learn what to say, what to avoid, how to set healthy boundaries, and how to gently offer restorative reproductive medical care when someone is ready for answers.
 

To learn more about personalized, restorative fertility care, book your free discovery call at radiantclinic.com.

Transcript

Speaker 3: 0:02

Welcome back to Cycle Wisdom, where we empower women to restore natural menstrual cycles, to improve health and promote fertility. I'm your host, Dr. Monica Menger, and I'm so glad you're listening today. What if the most loving thing you could say to a friend or family member struggling with infertility, wasn't giving them advice, but a few simple words that make your person feel safe? Seen and not alone. Today, we'll get practical about what to say, what to do, and what to avoid. Plus, a gentle way to connect loved ones with restorative reproductive medical care when they want more answers. So let's get started today with a patient's story and we'll call her Jane. Jane was 33 when she came to see us, and she had been married for five years at that point in time, and they had actively been trying to conceive for the past four years with one early miscarriage. As she was sharing her story with us, she related the hurt that she felt between many of her family members when they were all together for holiday gatherings. After one particular family dinner, an uncle joked with her, you two know how this works, right? What's the problem? Jane went home devastated. But the next morning, her sister-in-law texted her and said, I'm so sorry about Uncle Bob. I'm here to listen or just sit with you. What can I do to help? Next time that somebody brings up your infertility, Jane's sister-in-law started checking in with her before family gathering. She also made sure to check in after any doctor's appointments, but only if Jane was available and ready to share. Throughout the process, Jane said, I felt so much more supported. I knew that my sister-in-law and others were watching out for me as allies, and that emotional safety made space to pursue the course of action that Jane needed on her timeline. So most people understand that infertility can be an incredibly sensitive topic, and part of the reason for this is that infertility is not just a medical condition. It encompasses social and emotional aspects too. Also includes issues about identity. Am I am going to be a mother? It includes things about timing and your age about money, resources, and hope, or maybe loss of hope. Another challenge with infertility is that the grief is often cyclical. So it may be every time that a new menstrual period starts, or every time there's a negative pregnancy test, the reactions can literally change from week to week. Some women notice that they feel more emotional around the time of ovulation because they're more anxious or feel like there's that performance anxiety, knowing that this is the time that they should be trying to conceive, or that they are the most fertile. You can help the members of your family or friends by supporting them, not with silence or avoiding the topic, but also not by trying to fix it, especially if it's unsolicited advice. Instead, I would encourage you to just offer your attention and your presence by helping in practical ways and by discussing how. When and if they want to share anything with you. So let's break some of those pieces down. So what are some things that you can say that can actually be helpful? And I'm going to take a lot of these things from patients of mine that have told me what has and has not been helpful over the years. So to start with things that are helpful, just being present with the person. Things like saying, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm here for whatever you need. Or maybe this is really heavy. This is not a burden for me, and I want to be here with you. I have as much time as you need. Something else that's really important to remember is that not all women or couples want to talk about their infertility struggles, so make sure that you're asking for consent before probing deeper for additional details. This may look like asking, do you want to talk about it or would it be better to just have a distraction today? Do you want me to check in after your appointments or would you rather that I wait for you to reach out? All of this allows a woman or the couple to be able to come to you on their own terms and only if and when they're ready to talk about it. Now, if they do want some additional help or want to talk about it, you could definitely be available to talk, but you can also help to offer in other concrete ways, things like saying, I'm going to drop off dinner on Thursday night. You don't even need to answer the door. I just wanna help out. Or perhaps how can I be your shield at the next party? Are there certain topics that are off limits or people that I can help you avoid? And finally, acknowledging the fact that there is a deep sense of loss and grief that happens for many couples, especially if they have gone through a miscarriage. So think about things like, I'm thinking of you on your due date. I'm here for you if you want company paying attention to your friends and family members when big dates come around. Things like Mother's Day or any holiday, because oftentimes that's when family is gathered and a lot of these conversations come up now just as importantly as what to say. Are some things that are important not to say. And again, these are things that I hear commonly from my patients. I've heard them at family gatherings. I've heard them in communities, and things that either just rub people the wrong way or that make them feel really, really bad, even though that may not be the intention. So the number one most important thing when people say, just relax, it'll happen. Or have you tried to just. Not try. I knew somebody who quit trying and that's when they got pregnant Instead. Instead try saying, I know this is hard. I'm here for the long haul. Another common thing that many of my patients are told is, oh, you're still young. You still have time, or, well, at least you're not 42. Sounds like you've got plenty of time. The uncertainty can be exhausting no matter how old you are. Everybody who is trying to get pregnant wants to have been pregnant already well before current times, so ask instead how you can support them. Okay. Help to celebrate milestones. Realizing that sometimes an upcoming birthday can provoke additional anxiety about this timeline to motherhood. Another common theme of things not to say, includes anything that is unsolicited advice or a fix. So for example, hey, have you ever tried, fill in the blank, taking a vacation, a different position, eating pineapple, standing on your head, seeing five different doctors, or trying this new Chinese herbal medicine instead? Instead of all of this unsolicited advice, ask your friend or family member, do you want ideas or just need me to be a listening ear today, I can guarantee you that nearly everyone struggling from infertility has tried just about everything they can think of and then some, and they oftentimes don't need or want your unsolicited advice. Every story is individual and what works for some people may not work for others, and that's why infertility is such a unique situation is that every treatment, every diagnosis, every evaluation process is unique for every individual couple. This is why the comparisons aren't helpful. I heard my sister say she tried this particular supplement and they were pregnant within two weeks. Or I had a coworker who swears by this particular exercise regimen she followed, and maybe you should try that Instead, everyone needs to be the narrator of their own story, and every situation is different. Another common theme that often comes up, especially at family gatherings is instituting timelines or pressure, and I hear this oftentimes from parents asking their kids, Hey, when are you going to give us grand babies? Or I'm not getting any younger, you know, I want to be here to watch my grandchildren. I wanna see them grow up. I wanna be there for their wedding. Instead, I would offer, just skip these questions altogether. Ask about how your child is doing, rather than asking about their medical condition. Chances are that if they are struggling to try and get pregnant, they are already keenly aware that there is a timeline in place. And adding that additional stress and burden is incredibly unhelpful. And the final area that I want to make a comment about is in couples that have experienced a pregnancy loss or a miscarriage, rather than saying, oh, it was early, or, you can try again, don't minimize that loss. Everyone experiences miscarriage and pregnancy loss incredibly differently. So instead, try offering, I'm so sorry for you. How can I help? And something else that's important to remember is that not everybody wants to be incredibly public about miscarriage or fertility struggles. So if you have someone who confides in you that they're going through these concerns, ask about how public or private they want that to be. You may be one of the only people that knows about this besides their partner, and it is obviously not your place to share someone else's health information. Now another thing that you can do in order to be a good advocate for your special person is set a regular cadence as to how often you wanna check in with them. For example, ask, do you want me to check in with you weekly or monthly, or just wait until I hear from you, or maybe before any big gatherings that you're going to be at. Ask if there's any topics that you can help steer away from, or maybe there are things that you can help do to run interference so that your cousin doesn't have to hang out with Uncle Bob again and hear the insensitive questions. And finally, make sure to be sensitive when you're posting any sort of baby news on social media. Try to avoid tagging anybody who is struggling from infertility in any pregnancy or baby threads without their consent. Now, this doesn't mean to exclude them from your life altogether, but it is good to have that conversation with your friend in the right moment and ask, would you prefer that I didn't tag you in some of these types of announcements? Now, this doesn't mean don't post your own announcements about your pregnancy because most of the time your friends and family are still going to be incredibly excited for you, even if they themselves are still struggling with infertility. But don't get irritated if they don't respond or don't like your post. Know that sometimes even though we try to avoid these situations, hurtful comments are going to come up and you may not have somebody else there with you to advocate. So let's switch gears a little bit, and I'm going to offer some practical tips if you are somebody who is on the receiving end of these comments. So if you are somebody yourself who is struggling from miscarriage, recurrent pregnancy loss, or infertility at any stage, I would offer some following suggestions for ways to respond that range from thought provoking to perhaps a little bit snarky. And depending upon how you're feeling about the conversation, feel free to utilize any of these responses appropriately. Not that you need it, but I would personally give you permission to just say, I'm not open to that conversation right now, or I prefer not to talk about personal matters. This is not being rude. It's just being direct and setting a boundary that helps keep you from entering into a conversation that you aren't wanting to pursue. It. You may want to practice saying it in the mirror until you can say it without feeling guilty about it. If you prefer to be a little more snarky or if that tends to be your personality anyways, you could return their line of questionings by saying, well, why don't you tell me first about your own personal or mental health struggles? How is your diabetes doing? Or what has your doctor recommended to you about your weight and your stress levels? Or for older family members who ask if you're done having kids yet, or if you're ready to have kids yet, you can just say, I'm not sure. Are you done having kids yet? Sometimes by helping others to see how ridiculous their comments or questions are by turning those questions back onto them helps you to speak up for yourself and can gently nudge them to remind them of what is actually appropriate conversation. And finally, if you are somebody who has been listening to the podcast for a while or follows restorative reproductive medicine, you may want to find a way to ask your friend or family member if they've considered restorative reproductive medicine, but obviously in a gentle way and in their time. So help explain to them that restorative reproductive medicine is a medical approach that maps out your cycle, times your labs, and treats underlying causes that can impact fertility for both men and women without jumping straight to procedures. And that's a fairly simple way to describe it from a practical standpoint. You could say, if you ever want a second opinion that looks for the reasons why you might be struggling with infertility. I know a clinic that does testing time to your cycle and digs deeper until all the underlying clauses are found and treated. Or you could simply say there's no pressure. But if you want any info, I have a place that I can share with you when you're ready. And then offer to send them the website or refer them to the podcast if they ask for more information. Imagine if your loved one never had to choose between honesty and safety because you offered that steady presence, consent based check-ins, and practical help. Over time, the pressure could ease conversations can feel safer, and your people will know where to turn for the answers to the underlying causes of their infertility when they're ready to help improve health and promote fertility.

Speaker 2: 14:31

If you're ready to work with our elite team of healthcare professionals, go to our website, radiant clinic.com to schedule a free discovery call and learn more about our package based pricing for comprehensive care. We are currently able to see people for in-person appointments in our Cedar Rapids, Iowa Clinic, or can arrange for a telehealth visit if you live in many different states across the us. Check out our website for current states that we can serve medical clients and let us know if your state is not listed to see if we can still cover you there as we are constantly expanding our reach. Please note that our fertility educators are able to take care of clients no matter where they live. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. Please share this podcast with someone in your life who would benefit from our services. Remember to subscribe to this podcast for more empowering content that I look forward to sharing with you on our next episode of Cycle Wisdom.